Ummm, wow.

Justin dropped a bombshell on me yesterday. Not the bad kind.

We were driving to drop him at a conference (on our way to our nephew's birthday party) and he brought up that we should probably send the kids to grandma's and have the final conversation about whether or not we were done and who needs to do what to make sure of that. I reacted by saying that no, I do not think we should have conversation because it will never go how either of us want it to and it's just one of those rare things in our marriage we should just avoid and never talk about (kind of joking of course.) I said, if we wait long enough to have the conversation, it will be too late to have to make a decision and that will be that.

He raised a few points about why it's a bad idea, why we shouldn't have anymore, I dropped him off at the conference and thought that was that.

And when we picked him up several hours later (did I mention this was a winemaker's conference with a lot of wine drinking?) he basically said he would is okay with having another baby if I can figure out the finances of the whole thing. My head is dizzy right now because this has been a "decision" I've been struggling to come to terms with for 3 1/2 years. We honestly never talk about it anymore, it is such a painful, touchy subject for both of us... he wants the financial independence that will come with me going back to work fulltime, he loves the flexibility that having older kids gives us, he is completely satisfied with the status quo.

My heart is pulling me in a 1000 different directions right now. And suddenly I realize how much this one issue has been paralyzing me in so many ways. So many related decisions I've just been putting off and putting off and not thinking about. Before we do anything else, I guess I need to go to the doctor and find out if it's even possible and get a more complete picture of the risks involved. It would be ridiculous to get excited or even start planning for it if it's not medically viable. So that will be my first step.