We ended up with a really good outcome today; the system worked the way the system is supposed to work and the long hours and endless preparation paid off. My clients got the relief we were asking for and more importantly, a child is safe.
But the bottom line is that no matter how well I argue or debate or frame a case, I have a fundamental dislike of conflict. And it seems to me that presents a problem in a great deal of the cases that come my way. I handle them all, I do what needs to be done but it makes me miserable inside. I invest too much emotionally in the cases, especially ones like I had this week. I lose sleep, I stop eating and I neglect all the important stuff in my life. My kids get the worst side of me - the cranky, distracted, over-worked side. My husband handles it all so well - his job is stressful every single day but he has learned to balance it and to balance me when my work makes me crazy.
It makes me sad to admit that I don't want to do this anymore; that I invested so much time and energy into a career that will never make me happy. I'm "successful" as far as society defines that, I'm good at what I do but truthfully, that's just not enough. I feel like I need some sort of Oprah quote here. I don't have any idea what I would do instead.
In the meantime, I'm going to go pick my kids up from daycare, where they basically lived the last two weeks, and where they begged me this morning not to take them again. And then, I'm going to go home and turn on the sprinkler and we're going to play together and eat popsicles together and start to enjoy the summer vacation they've been missing out on so far.
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