Nights like this

Justin is sick, his own version of a cold that no one else has shared yet. He went to bed early and I stayed up later, reading, and just enjoying the quiet. Quiet until the couch shaking snores started coming out of the bedroom and I realized that I was probably better off trying to sleep on the couch. And then it was just one of those nights; up and down every hour or so; every little noise or prowl by the cat or uncomfortable turn on the couch jarring me awake. By 5:00 the dog started to whine and I gave up and took him outside.

And there I saw the most beautiful night sky I have ever beheld. The stars seemed so close and bright and huge that I could just reach out and scoop them up. There was not a light from anywhere to mar the perfection and I just stood and wondered at the vastness and beauty of it all.

Yesterday I spent the day with an older colleague and at some point the discussion turned to my career and the kids and the constant struggle to balance it all and find some meaning in life. I relayed that I was hoping to return to work full-time next year, that I want to contribute something meaningful to this world but that I am concerned about the logistics of it all. And he advised me to just sit back awhile more and enjoy these precious days as long as we can manage. I don't do that enough. Even while I am supposed to be here enjoying them. I waste time, I worry, I get distracted, I think about tomorrow more than right now, this moment.

So I've been doing a lot of changing lately. Trying and succeeding at being more organized. Trying and succeeding at a regular exercise schedule, healthier eating, paying more attention to where our money goes. Today I'm putting something else at the top of the list. Enjoying this more. Worrying less. Being satisfied with who I am and not who I could have been or who I will be. Writing every moment on my heart so that 20 years from now, I don't regret what I can't remember. I am grateful for nights like this.